May 27, 2017, Santorini, Aegean island (Greece). I am about to go down the magnificent stone stairs holding my father's arm, to participate in the wedding I have been waiting for, and preparing for a year and a half. The guests are seated. The weather is capricious. However, this ceremony is special, the groom is not here. He left the marital ship three months before, and I took the decision to marry without him, to marry myself!

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius

I am often asked how I felt on the wedding day, and if I thought of E, if I had regrets or sorrow. Yes, I thought of him when I got up that morning, I thought that he had made the mistake of his life. I felt deeply lonely at that moment, but absolutely convinced that marrying myself was the right thing to do.
 
Planning a wedding is extremely enjoyable, even if stressful because we want to do our best and satisfy everyone. Being able to project myself into a happy and hopeful event, this is what helped me to cope for three months. All these beautiful services reserved, this extraordinary place, my outfit with so many wonderful accessories, this was what made me get up every morning.
 
“How are you staying positive?”
“I have no other choice ...”
 
Having a purpose is fundamental after a breakup, especially do not give yourself time to feel sorry for yourself, it does not prevent pain or tears, but it helps not to collapse. Some people take refuge in work, I preferred to focus on myself only. My personal life had just crumbled, I had decided to devote fully to myself for the rest of the year. I was going to put my energy to the benefit of my quest for happiness, all those things that I wanted to accomplish and that I kept postponing. Taking time for me, thinking about what I really expected from life, what would make me happy again, the things I was dreaming of, but also what I would like to do in the near future and more distant, either personally or professionally. Above all, listening to my heart and asking what it wanted, taking time for my feelings, letting my emotions express themselves. Then, to this year I added twelve more months, and a few more ...
 
James Arthur's "Recovery" describes how alone one is to rebuild oneself, one must seek strength within to recover. Healing is up to us.
 
In the sound of the sea

In the oceans of me

I defined

I designed

My recovery

 
I did not have a predetermined to-do-list, first I needed to rest, to relax, to meet new people, to enjoy life for sure, with even more fear attached to the heart, but this unwavering determination, that I will know how to stretch my limits again and again. You must already know yourself and understand your expectations before taking decisions. A wonderful period of introspection began, writing with.
 
Keep soaring

Keep song-writing

 
I had lived many years away from my family and friends, I wanted to spend time with them, see their children growing up, create new memories, make tons of photos. More than ever, love from my loved ones was vital to go through this period of grief.
During the press interviews I kept saying how much life was a gift and that we had to enjoy it. There are always several angles to see things, and I learned to look from every angle and choose the most positive of them. In addition, when we think about it, there are a lot of little things that make us smile every day, you just must learn to open your eyes and your heart.

​I have always been naturally optimistic, but to tell the truth, it was a trip that resolutely converted me to the half-full glass vision. I have been to Thailand several times in my life, one of my friends lived in Bangkok. I am used to be interested in community and charity projects, including when I travel, the result of an altruistic firefighter father. I try as much as possible to give some time or money for causes that speak to me, both in the field of medicine and art. Years ago, I went to a centre near Bangkok that takes care of people with AIDS. I was made to visit the premises, explained the concept, and then they asked me if I would like to go to the building with patients in their final stage. All these persons at the end of their life, men essentially, one is never prepared for death, whether strangers or relatives, being human means compassion and fear. A man wanted me to approach and sit next to him, he spoke English, we exchanged banalities, I do not remember exactly what, it was a long time ago. When I left, I politely said goodbye to him, what to say to someone who only has a few days to live? He concluded our conversation by saying that my smile had illuminated his day. This man has taught me my greatest life lesson, the important things are not always the ones we believe, a smile is sometimes the only thing we need. So since then, I smile every single day, no matter what. I smile at people, I smile at life and at myself!
 
“By being happy, we anonymously spread the good in the world.” Robert Louis Stevenson.
 
I know why I wanted to marry him, even if I followed my heart more than my reason. He often said that there were only two women on earth who knew him, his mother and me. And it was true. I accepted him entirely, with its great qualities but also his shameful flaws. I did not lie to myself, I agreed to take the risk, for love. That is why I do not regret anything. For months I thought I would never love again, I knew it was not true, but the pain was too big, too deep. There were ups and downs ... When I was crying, I was saying that my tears were tears of courage and determination. In my darkest moments, I kept telling myself how beautiful and incredible I was. Yet, most of the time I felt like dead inside. I have long believed that in marrying someone I would lose my independence, in fact I used it as an excuse not to commit, I was afraid of being disappointed and hurt. I had built a wall to protect myself, it was easier. I realised with my solo wedding, that getting married was much more than a commitment, it was a promise to oneself to be happy. Life is full of opportunities, even if during hard times it is difficult to see them, it is nevertheless necessary to know how to seize them at the right moment. Like a phoenix, I had to reborn from my ashes to start all over again and fly with my own wings.

In my childhood, I was an overweight and shy mixed-race girl. All the ingredients to be bullied and a victim of discrimination at school. Add to that my hypersensitivity and emotivity, and you get a kid who cried and blushed over any little thing. It was not easy to build an identity in these circumstances. And yet, locked in my bubble of survival, I took refuge in my imaginary world, I prepared myself for the battle, like a Trojan horse, it is from within that my strength would spring. This was in this bubble that I went back, to find myself again, some time less to gather my strength than to find calm and serenity, to let my sorrow dilute. I will rise stronger than ever by the force of my courage and determination, I was going to dream bigger and fight to realise my dreams, my recovery was near and happiness in my hands.

I’m a soldier at war

I have broken down walls

I defined

I designed

My recovery

Life is precious and we only have one, we must make good use of it. What has happened is profoundly dramatic and it will affect my life forever. It is up to me to make sure that my future is positive and bright. I know it is not always easy, but I must force myself, happiness is built, it does not appear by magic. Being positive does not mean that I was not afraid, oh yes, I was scared, I was even terrified, I had spent five years planning projects for two, inventing dreams together, building solid foundations for our future. And now, not only was I alone, but I had lost everything: my life, my dreams, my future. How to rebuild, reinvent myself? Everything was going to start with my solo wedding. My personal fight began and I refused to surrender.

"The worst brings out the best in me ..." L.

"Chasing your dreams is the biggest fight of your life. "L

“There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.” George Sand

"The fireworks were launched below the terrace, along the cliff, which made the rockets explode almost before our eyes, it was just magical and so private. It is like going to a concert in a very small venue. We are so close to the stage that we could touch the artist. Three minutes of pure happiness accompanied by a song that I love.
 
I do not regret this expense; it is one of the strongest moments of my wedding party.
Rockets had been fired before, at other places on the island, probably for weddings as well. It had put us in the mood with my guests, many said that I was lucky, they did not know about mine, it was a surprise.
 
We organised it with the wedding planner after dinner and cake for the night to be dark.
It was beautiful, it was grandiose, bright, colourful. As if my joy was exploding in everyone's eyes. The air was cool, but it was not cold. At the sound of the first rocket launch, my heartbeat accelerated, my heart jumped from my chest. Katy Perry's “Firework” was playing. During these few minutes, I was these fireworks, the explosions were none other than the projection of my emotions that came out from my body. My best friend took a picture of me from behind at that moment, I am alone, and a shiny red star pops up above me. A perfect communion between the heavens and me." L.

My resolutions for 2020: to sustain my momentum, not to plan anything and to live driven by opportunities, new people, and of course to continue to realise old dreams and create new ones.
Continue to inspire people
See a new Ballet
The publication of my book My Solo Wedding in Santorini

“I was born to inspire people to be themselves! "L.

"Courage is when we are afraid, but we go anyway". Unknown author

“I am myself and proud, I live my life and make my own decisions accordingly, without worrying about what people can think. Yet this does not mean that critics do not affect me, I am human like everyone else. We learn to accept, to listen to them when the remarks are constructive and to let them go when they are unpleasant. Of course, some people do not understand what I did, especially those who only read the articles in newspapers or online. When you meet me, many more things make sense, my personality and my smile can lift mountains, and convince the most refractory person.
 
I was pleasantly surprised by men’s reaction, many confessed to me that they would never have had this courage in the same situation. I was expecting them to take me for a capricious madwoman who just wanted to wear a wedding dress. In fact, they identified themselves with my drama, whereas no one could foresee that. We talk about wedding here and in its wildest version! They were very appreciative and respectful. And while I would have thought of repelling men by telling them about my marriage, the opposite has happened. They recognised themselves in my pain, everyone had a broken heart once in their life, and some have already gone through difficult separations or divorces. They asked me a lot of questions about me, how I coped to keep a strong mindset and positive energy, if I had anger and especially how I have managed to be happy after.
 
I confess I have often thought that men were recovering from a breakup with difficulty. Man or woman, we forget too often, that regardless of our gender, we feel the same way when someone breaks our heart.” L.

“I have surpassed fears that many would like to overcome. Especially, I have shown the way. It cannot be so scary now; I hope others will follow my example to keep on hoping and being happy. I do not necessarily mean a solo wedding, everyone can create their own beneficial event, something that speaks to them and has a symbolic meaning. The respect I have for myself has determined my courage many times in my life. To love, respect, listen, accept who you are and pursue your dreams is for me the combination of courage. I did something extraordinary in an ordinary world to cope with a universal drama. All this in a magical place.” L.

"Step outside of the box and you’ll find love, hope, wisdom and happiness ..." L.

“Go where you feel the most alive.” Unknown author
 
I could not leave this paradise, my paradise. I had not planned anything, honestly after a breakup so painful, I needed to rebuild myself and to reconnect with myself. I had enough savings not to work for a while, so I made the decision to do nothing for a year and just go with the flow. Going where I wanted at the time or staying where I felt good.
 
I needed new memories, the kind that we do not need to forget because a certain person cowardly abandoned us. During weeks, I spent time discovering, taking pictures, eating and sleeping. Sleeping, it had happened so little during the past three months, tormented, tortured, quartered, bruised in my flesh and in my heart. Finally, a moment of tranquillity, a haven of peace, no longer thinking, no longer questioning, just breathing, living. This was in June that I have started writing. A long period of introspection then began, to learn to know myself better in order to heal and make a fresh start. To see life in colour again with this fascinating and hypnotising blue. I planned to stay a week, I stayed for five months and I have never stopped going back. So yes, I could say that it was my honeymoon.  L.
​

"The future can awaken in a more beautiful way than the past." George Sand

"Having a purpose is fundamental after a breakup, especially do not give yourself time to feel sorry for yourself, it does not prevent pain or tears, but it helps not to collapse. Some people take refuge in work, I preferred to focus on myself only. My personal life had just crumbled, I had decided to devote fully to myself for the rest of the year. I was going to put my energy to the benefit of my quest for happiness, all those things that I wanted to accomplish and that I kept postponing. Taking time for me, thinking about what I really expected from life, what would make me happy again, the things I was dreaming of, but also what I would like to do in the near future and more distant, either personally or professionally. Above all, listening to my heart and asking what it wanted, taking the time for my feelings, letting my emotions express themselves." L.

When I finally passed the ceremonial table to stand behind, I noticed my ring. It was arranged on a small marble tile with the effigy of Santorini, and a wreath of bay leaves drawn on it. I had found it a few days before, in a small souvenir shop in Pyrgos. We went to visit this small traditional village on the heights of Santorini, with my sister and her fiancé. I fell in love with the place, its ruined old castle at the top of the hill, its ramparts, its 48 churches ... A peaceful and mystical atmosphere. This magic that I cannot explain but that enchants the whole island.

 I did not mention to the hotel that the groom would not be here, so I went alone to the reception in May 2017, and after taking a deep breath, I explained to the very warm receptionist Emanouela, my story and the new organisation. Once again, the reaction of my interlocutor shocked me while her smile comforted me. She understood my pain and saluted my determination and my courage. In a few minutes, I had just found an unconditional support for my wedding, but not only, because this young woman was going to become one of my best friends. My instinct had made me choose the best place to stay. I could not have gone through all of this without all these incredible people along the way. When we experience a heartbreak, it is already difficult to leave home, so taking a plane alone to go to marry myself in a foreign country, this is a crazy challenge, or the need of a psychoanalysis, probably both!
 
I had chosen rooms with traditional decor, all on the same terrace with a sea-view, facing east, which allowed us to enjoy the incredible blood-red sunrises. Next to each other, we had the entire level for ourselves, it made our stay even more intimate and warm, and very convenient for my dance training. All rooms were equipped with a small kitchen, a large living area with a sofa, a table and chairs. In addition, each had an outdoor area with a bench, chairs and a table. Then, we had breakfast together as I wanted. So friendly and relaxing.
 
The pool of the hotel overlooking the Caldera gave a special atmosphere, my guests enjoyed it greatly even if the water was still a little cold, as it is usually in this period.

All the staff was lovely and caring, they were obviously aware of my unusual wedding; although with the maids we could not speak to each other because they spoke only Greek, body language is universal, and their smiles and energy have been incredibly supportive. 

Athens

May 27, 2017, Santorini, Aegean island (Greece). I am about to go down the magnificent stone stairs holding my father's arm, to participate in the wedding I have been waiting for, and preparing for a year and a half. The guests are seated. The weather is capricious. However, this ceremony is special, the groom is not here. He left the marital ship three months before, and I took the decision to marry without him, to marry myself! L.

All the year after, I kept telling myself how lucky I was to go back to Santorini. This island had bewitched me, so magical and majestic. I had not been able to discover everything, and I was happy  to see more this time. But also, to visit Santorini with the man I loved, the one who would become my husband. No doubt he would fall in love with this island just as I had been. The photos of our wedding were going to be stunning and we were going to spend an absolute unforgettable week.
 
To be unforgettable, it has been, for sure. I was destroyed, my life was broken, and this island made me reborn.
 
No, I will not change the place of my solo wedding. My decision was made. Santorini was waiting for me, it was calling me. I had spent a year waiting for visiting it again, the excitement of our reunion, E would not take away this happiness, not that one. He had already taken too much, stripped my heart of its essence, I will go to the end of this dream, alone certainly, but determined.
 
I arrived in Santorini to try to forget the love of my life and to recover from the saddest moment of my existence. I did not expect to find love, quite ironic. I first fell in love with this beautiful island, so peaceful and extraordinary. All its sunrises, sunsets, landscapes, sea, caldera, everything there is a postcard. Then, I fell in love with its people, I met incredible friends, a fantastic support to be able to reconnect with life and regain self-confidence. Mostly, I discovered an unconditional love for myself. Feeling my heart beating again was fantastic, although it was scary too. I will never forget all these beautiful moments that I spent there ... Thank you all for having made me live again!
 
Santorini has given me the strength to accept who I am, the courage to rebuild myself, the energy of living in the present and reconsidering my future. I became stronger, more authentic, with different priorities. My rebirth was here. This island is nothing but a volcanic rock, we think it is dead but there is life underneath and great treasures grow under its surface, such as a volcano, tomatoes or vines ... I am like Santorini, I am a rock, and while I thought I was dead inside, my heart was beating again, and great things could still happen.

​L.

So, no basket of flowers on the horizon, to tell the truth, I never imagined an army of young children spreading flower petals in the aisle before my entry. It must be said that before this marriage, I had never really considered the question of a wedding ceremony. The only times it crossed my mind, I saw myself more in Las Vegas, with Elvis as a priest and the Blues Brothers as witnesses! We are very far from the flower girls!
As for my dress,  rather a fitted tuxedo with sexy lingerie underneath and a garter belt. Another ceremony for adults only!
At least I stayed true to myself for my solo wedding, no kids, despite a traditional wedding dress and no Elvis.
 
In addition, it makes me think that Carrie Bradshaw (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) in the second film Sex and the City, goes to the wedding of her best friend in a tuxedo. It is true that my life is very similar to this fictional character. Many of my friends call me Carrie for many reasons. My best friend finds that my personality is very similar to this woman, we both seek to be loved for who we are, without cheating or compromising. We want to find someone who takes us as we are or not at all. Other girlfriends especially see the resemblance to my passion for fashion, clothes and luxury shoes, certainly I have a nice wardrobe on this side, I will not lie. And now, I spend my time writing, which adds even more similarity. I do not have my picture on a bus yet, but it may come with this book, I was on TV, it is already a good start.
 
Moreover, during my first TV show, my host told me that the first thing she had thought when she discovered my story in the press, was the passage where Big did not come to the wedding, and left Carrie in distress. I remember when I saw this scene in the first movie Sex and the City, I started crying all the tears in my body, as if I was touched personally, as if I understood, and now I can say that is the case, I understand! I also thought a lot about this part of the film, after having received the email from E. This pain that tears the chest apart, the breath that cannot manage to make its way anymore, tears that take control of our body, and our brain that does not know how to handle this information confronted with the impossible reality. 

L.

My Dress

“I am both strong and incredibly sensitive, hard and fragile. Do not shake me too hard, I only hold by a tear.” Unknown author.

When I see the pictures of my wedding, I do not think of my breakup but the wonderful woman that I am and the sublime dress that I wear in a breathtaking place. What fate would I have reserved for my dress otherwise, would I have burned it, shut it away in a closet, and by some blow of depression taking it out to put it on and burst into tears? Instead, I wore it proudly, elegantly with all my femininity, my self-confidence and my buried wounds. No, it is not paradoxical, the human being is well done, we can know who we are and what we want while being fragile.
It took me several months of intensive research and endless fitting to find the perfect gown, not to mention countless alterations. I could not let my dress down, we chose each other, it was entitled to its big show too.

"Verity" was the name of my dress. Maybe it was a premonition.
My dress has definitely highlighted the reality (the groom was not there) and the thought behind (he did not want to marry me).
It can also be seen from my point of view, which gives, I am great (thought) so I marry myself (reality).
I must keep this in mind if I decide to marry a man eventually, I will choose a dress called Passion, Engagement, Fidelity, Will-never-let-me-down ...
In any case, a dress which already contained the secret of an eternal love, the love I had for myself and which I had not yet discovered.

One of the most difficult moments of my life was having to carry my beautiful wedding dress in my carry-on bag for 10,000 miles when my heart was in millions of pieces. I left my broken life for an uncertain future with 3,500 euros of lace, fabric and beads in my cabin luggage ... Me too, at that moment I would have liked to be rolled into a ball in this bag. Plunged into the dark, out of sight. [...]

My dress Verity was like a second skin, despite the metres of fabric and lace, it did not dress me, it inhabited me.

I had placed my dress and all that was necessary for my outfit in a separate room, my witnesses helped me to button up and arrange myself, my sister gave me the earrings, my best friend my shoes, the photographer was waiting, I was ready.

I am so happy to have chosen this dress rather than another, it was very suited to my solo wedding. Fragile and delicate but with personality, a queen dress for the crowning of my self-love.